Mickey Mantle swinging a bat

Celebrity culture used to be much less invasive. You'd appear in a movie, pose for a couple of promotional pictures, and your agent would then work with the studio to let the world know about how you spend your downtime hand-feeding blind, legless orphans. The fact that you were actually spending your time freebasing horse tranquilizers and sexually harassing meter maids was something the press didn't feel was newsworthy, especially if you shared the horse tranquilizers.

Most celebrities were more than happy to accept this arrangement, but some celebrities chafed at the fact that occasionally they had to play along. "What do you mean I have to sign autographs in a pediatric cancer ward?!? I have a very important appointment at the vet!"

Hall of Fame baseball player Mickey Mantle belonged to the latter group, and showed his displeasure by getting creative with a questionnaire that had been sent to him by the New York Yankees as part of a celebration of Yankee Stadium's 50th anniversary.

Handwritten response to Yankees organization. Following paragraph contains text.

I consider the following my outstanding experience at Yankee Stadium: I got a blowjob under the right field bleachers by the Yankee bullpen.

This event occurred on or about: (Give as much detail as you can) It was about the third or fourth inning. I had a pulled groin and couldn't fuck at the time. She was a very nice girl and asked me what to do with the cum after I came in her mouth. I said don't ask me, I'm no cock-sucker.

Signed, Mickey Mantle, The All-American Boy

Page statistics of no interest to anyone, including myself

  • Favorite word to type: Newsworthy
  • Best sentence (fragment): "The All-American Boy"
  • Lingering thought: "I wonder what she did?"